i want to be back … really i do!

happy new year!

and happy four months to the bubbles : )

and my, what a crazy four months it has been! but everyone is alive and well, even amber, so no complaints : )

so why have i yet to be back? well, time, of course, is often not meeting its demand … and then if i can’t finish a post, or have it live up to my {mediocre} standards, it lives forever in my drafts folder…

beyond that, though, i feel as if i have a personal catch-22 … if i write about something good, it’s like i’m bragging or showing off … and if i write about something negative, then it’s like i am ungrateful … now, i know that the friends of mine that read this probably don’t care about such things and it’s likely only the little voices in my head that argue about such things … but to be honest, before my successful fet, i was as sensitive as they come to all things ttc and pregnancy related … so, like they say we are our own worst critic, sadly, i get an a+ in this department … not only that, but hypocrisy is one of my pet peeves and i really do try not to do things i find annoying …

with all this under consideration, i have encouraged myself to realize that i enjoy my friends’ blogs – whether their posts be happy or sad … and my inane thoughts described above – well, they are mostly just that …

to be safe, though, and for your benefit, i am going to make this blog private … not exactly sure how, but pretty sure there is a way … what does this mean? well, it is my space, my diary in a way, and i’m not going to worry about offending anyone … i want to look back on this time and remember all the details – the good and bad …

if you choose to follow my journey, i ask that you not share it with others … and as a thank you, i will share photos and more details than i would have on a non-private blog …

sooo … interesting post to start the year, no? i’m a crazy one, no? hahaha! it really would be fun to have some company, so, if you are interested, please stay tuned as i figure out the details … feel free to send me an e-mail or comment if you want to stay on top of things, otherwise check back as i hope to make the transition asap :)

d-day

november 4, 2012 … this was my due date with the bubbles … so much for that!

it is even more surreal than thinking i was pregnant is to think i have not one, but two 6 1/2 week old babies! and they are mine! {well, everyone says they look like hubby more than me … so i guess the jury is still out as to whether they used my eggs – ha!}

what is very real, though, is how little extra time i’ve had … primarily due to the routine for the babies and partly due to the grandparents’ visits … oh, and hubby going back to work … so how are things and where does my time go? i’ll see what i can do for a brief update :)

– being pregnant with twins and surviving nearly two months of bedrest is nothing compared to trying to breastfeed preemie twins! {details of which deserve a post of their own …}

– while i wondered why i was so gung-ho for cloth diapers those first few days, i’m glad they seem to be working for us and even hubs doesn’t seem to mind them!

– so remember that house hunt we were on? well, we found a house and have made it through the inspection … signing papers in a few weeks … eeep! how we are going to find time to pack with newborn twins? heck if i know!

– what is my daily routine like? well, we feed at least 7x a day … every 3-4 hours since that was mostly their schedule in the nicu … in between is pumping, washing, diaper changing, and the attempt to feed myself {and sometimes others} with an even more rare attempt to do an actual task, like a load of laundry or a shower ; ) while i am an excellent napper, i can’t plan them because every time i try, one or both babies is awake! such is life …

beyond those tidbits, we have at least one outing a week as we head to the pediatrician for a weight check … we’ve also been to the hospital to pick up a prescription, rent a pump, and have a lactation consult and weigh-in … in addition, we’ve been to the grocery store and the home inspection … all in all, both babes seem ok with both their car seats and rides … i am very ok with this!

speaking of all these weight checks, babies are over 7#! whoop whoop! granted, this last week’s weight gain was pretty low, at least they are stil moving in the right direction … tomorrow we have another and hope it is a good one!

ok … so this wasn’t much of a post … my apologies! as our feeding sessions become more ‘hands-free’, hopefully i can write more and attempt to catch up! goodness knows my mind still runs constantly! until then, happy november and happy-election-day-is-almost-over!

oh, hello!

how the heck are ya?  and me?  i’m smiling right now!  today has been a very good day so i’m going to try to finish a blog post for once – ha!  seriously, i’ve started so many but get caught up in emotions and tears that i never finish … or i feel ridiculous for what i’m trying to write and what little sense it makes …

so, where were we?  ah, yes … babies!  i still want to dedicate a post to my birth story, but in a nutshell, here’s the scoop … in the wee hours on the 19th, his water broke … we proceeded to labor + delivery and within three hours, they both were out in the world and whisked to the nicu {though as he was breathing on his own and she only required minimal assistance, they were not rushed and i was able to see both of them on my way to recover in my room} … he was first and weighed in at about 5#4oz, and 18″ long-ish … she was next at 5#2oz and a little longer at 18″+ … while he came out, i heard him cry … she, on the other hand, wasn’t as ready and took a few hours to adjust …

as for me, that day never felt like ‘the happiest day of my life’ as so many reference the birth day of their child{ren} … instead, i was an emotional wreck and scared out of my mind as i couldn’t stop crying and feeling guilty that they had to come out so early … the c-section, itself, went relatively easy … minus some discomfort in my shoulders, anxiety and the most painful injection ever – anesthetic for the spinal … i had chills afterwards and then i battled nausea the rest of the day … but in general, i was pleasantly surprised by the experience …

the babies were in the nicu for two weeks and i was in the birthing center to recover for 4 nights … their schedule consisted of having hands-on time every three hours in which their diaper would be changed, their temperature checked, feedings by tube initiated and vitals as necessary … eventually this time also included some skin-to-skin time with hubs and i … similarly, my schedule revolved around pumping every three hours and my own vitals every six hours as well as pain meds … so the rest and sleep to help in recovery?  um, yeah, didn’t happen … i call it the evolutionary catch-22 that i will share more about at a later date …

needless to say, it’s been a rough few weeks … but finally, i think i’m starting to feel like i have a smidge of control … yes, i know that with babies, especially twins, i can’t expect to have any control … but after following nicu rules and various preemie issues, i think things are getting much better!  for example, we’ve been struggling with latch issues and general interest in breastfeeding … but today, each baby took one of their entire feedings by breast!!!  in the past they’ve gotten anywhere from 4 mL to 30 mL of their ~50 mL feedings, if they even showed interest … so this is a huge accomplishment!

my other tiny ray of sunshine is that we started using our cloth diapers today, too!  minus a small poo leak on her – they don’t have a lot of meat on their bones just yet, so the leg gussets have a few gaps – they seem to be going well … yay!

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ok, so we’re almost to another feeding time so i need to wrap this up before i keep rambling and then just hit ‘save’ only to never return to finish it …

i do hope to update with some tidbits of their first month … as well as reflections about the experience in general … that said, i’m not sure how much i will ultimately share about the bubbles on here … i’m very leery about posting their photos online and haven’t even shared one on fb yet … call me crazy, especially because i do!  what i may do, however, is create a private place for friends and family to share stories and photos of the babies … don’t fear, as i will let you know when and how to be invited to that special place … while i could keep this blog for such purposes and just go private, i still like to have my own place to vent … and subjects of said vents will be expecting to see photos … if you know what i mean …

to give you a bit of a laugh, though, i will say that pee fountains and explosive poo are very real, my friends … beware!  while these little ones definitely have their share of gas, their hiccups and sneezes are freaking adorable!

babies!!!

seems they were ready for the outside world … they arrived at ~5:30 am this morning at thirty-three weeks and 3 days …

details + birth story are forthcoming :)

{also, in general, we are all doing quite well!}

pity party for one …

yesterday we had our ultrasound appointment … it’s not all bad, but i’m having a pretty hormonal day … little man is still breech :( … while i am very much an advocate of whatever brings these babies to us in the best possible scenario, i’m devastated that he has been breech during these past two scans – mostly because before i went on bedrest, he was vertex – aka head down …as if bedrest isn’t enough of a mental + physical struggle, now this … *sigh*

why does him being breech worry me?  well, since he is in the ‘baby a’ position, this will necessitate a cesarian birth … while this procedure is relatively common and safe, i’ve never had surgery … we know how squeamish i am with needles … can you imagine knives?  hell, i’ve never even had stitches {knock on wood} … granted, while this fear is strong, i know it will just be a brief experience and chances are good that i wouldn’t have any serious side effects … with hubby’s help, i can get through it … and with the prize at the end of the tunnel, it will be well worth it … i guess the biggest sadness i have with a cesarian birth is the fear that i will miss the precious bonding time with my babies immediately following their birth … how i’ve yearned for them to be placed on my chest as we wait for their umbilical cord to stop pulsing … for the opportunity to let them start breast-feeding as soon as they are ready … and just the peace of mind of letting natural processes happen as they have been designed … without intervention and strong drugs … *sigh*

in reality, this is just small potatoes … it wasn’t what i was hoping for … but how often are our experiences in life similar to those out of a storybook?

yesterday, i was fairly giddy … and the babies’ positions hardly entered my mind {until it came crashing into view this morning} because i was so happy that the babies had grown so much since our last ultrasound … bobble was just over five pounds!  and his sister, bubble, was just under five pounds! … the average size of twins at birth is about five and a half pounds, so being nearly there at just thirty-three weeks is fabulous!  not only are they likely above average for weight, their heads are also big!  the average size at birth for a singleton is 33-36 cm … his is already 32.4 cm – or in american terms, 12.75″!  her is 30.7 cm – aka 12″ … wowzers!  their heartbeats and umbilical cord blood flow looked good … and they didn’t appear fully squished … oh, and they were both shying away from the camera as we only got one image – her profile …

anywho, that’s what is going on around here … trying to stay positive and keep on trucking along through this bedrest business … seven weeks down – woo-hoo!

numbers day … 33 and 50 … oh my!

what do the numbers mean?  the 33 is a very celebratory number as we hit thirty-three weeks today!  woo-hoo!  really, really hoping for three more weeks … or at least two … we shall see … i definitely feel more tightening, but it’s weird … it’s not like i feel a specific start or finish … but i notice it happens a few times a day – sometimes it is within the hour and others, it takes hours for another wave to hit … i’ve read stories about people who don’t feel contractions or they mistake them for babies’ movement … while this does worry me on occasion, i’m trying to trust my body and have faith that it will let me know when it’s ready … and i’m always hoping that it’s not ready just yet!

this past week, i did have a small scare, though … thursday morning around 1:30 am, i woke up with cramping … almost like typical menstrual cramps … not cool!  it wasn’t severe pain and i didn’t have any tightness, but it was fairly constant … i decided to drink some water, play some solitaire on my phone and see if it passed … while i told myself that i would call the on-call ob if they lasted longer than an hour, i think i fell asleep right around that point … i was still uneasy most of the day, but had no more pain so i tried to relax and just take it easy … things like this and the additional tightness make me think that labor can definitely happen at any moment!  eeep!

and the other number?  bwahahaha!  maybe you’ve guessed it, but today, the scale tells me i’ve gained 50 pounds!  WOW!  not overly surprised as i knew it was bound to happen … but man, i can feel the difference when i stand for too long … or when i use the bathroom … part of me is glad i am not able to do as many things right now so i can rest and not overwhelm myself!

in other news, i seem to have acquired pregnancy-related carpal tunnel … at least that’s what i think it is … all of the joints in my fingers in both hands get achy and tight … i can still do things with them, but they are quite sore and stiff … let’s hope i’m one of the lucky ones and it will go away shortly after the babies arrive – kinda like the heartburn!

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what else is new?  not much … my days are really quite boring … i’m managing for the most part, but there are blah moments … at least we get to see the bubbles tomorrow for our month growth scan ultrasound – yay!  i can’t wait to see how big they are and i’m a wishing and a hoping that little man is head down!

we did have our first prenatal visit with our doula team on friday … i say team because the doula has an intern shadowing her … we get a reduced rate and an extra person – bonus! for us, even though we’ve only just begun preparing for labor and parenthood, i truly think having the help of the doula will be awesome!  while i think their presence will help give hubby confidence and me the support i need, i think it will be nice to have a more realistic perspective as i tend to be over-optimistic, too!  that said, she mentioned something about staying in bed for the first week after the babies are born … um, this is going to be excruciating!  and hubs will probably do his darndest to enforce this!  so we will see how this works out when the time comes … but in general, i am relieved to have some extra support!

my apologies for what has likely been a very boring post … while in some ways this is a good thing, perhaps i can add in more fun stuff later this week after our scan and once i’ve finished the preparations for our anniversary … thanks for following along + happy last summer sunday!

holy shopping insanity!!!

seriously, it’s no surprise that the pregnancy carpal tunnel is creeping in after all the online shopping i’ve done this week!  as we get closer and closer to october, hubs and i have been talking about getting the rest of what we think we need for about a week, now … so i decided to change our due date on the amazon registry so we could get the completion coupon – 10% off – and make some purchases … even though most everything was already picked out and a part of our registries, it seemed to take for.ev.er!  that said, i have to admit, it’s pretty exciting to take such a plunge in preparing for our wee ones!  {so much so we have to finish tonight since the credit card company thought the excess in purchases could have been fraud – oops!}  and after placing the orders, i’m quite glad we did it this week so that everything will arrive with enough time – i hope! … well, besides the darn back-ordered cribs – eeep!

what kinds of things are soon to be shipped our way?  well, besides the stroller, we ordered a bouncy seat, an activity gym for the floor, the mattresses, some swaddling blankets + sleep sacks, bottle cleaning supplies, crib sheets, a changing pad with covers, an ipod dock, and some baby bath supplies … yay!  and aren’t these cute?

{puppies + cupcakes, oh my!}

i think we just may be as ready as we’ll ever be once they get to come home!  i hope!  as awkward as it is to prepare for babies via laptop, it has been a bit fun … and at least hubby doesn’t have to schlep all over town to pick things out – ha!  though he does have to pick up the car seat adaptors and a boppy at babies-r-us this weekend … sadly, some coupons + discounts are in-store only …

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besides shopping for babies … next week is our wedding anniversary … and after everything hubs has done for me in the last year, i owe him big time!  this time last year, we were in the midst of stims for the ivf cycle … since, he has put up with a whirlwind of emotions, giving me hundreds of injections, and just being the most awesome husband ever! {not to mention maintaining his own sanity as he prepares for his life to change more drastically that either one of us can imagine!}, he deserves to be spoiled!  so what do you get a guy when the traditional gifts are flowers + fruit or appliances?  well, i decided to go non-traditional and bought him a lego project … last month they came out with a new building in their architectural series and i know he will enjoy it … and, since it is new, chances are good he hasn’t already bought it for himself ; )

{villa savoye by le corbusier}

then, i ordered a fun keychain and some cd sleeves for archiving his collection of box sets … and, since i couldn’t help it, for the fruit + flowers, i ordered some gummy fruit slices … we had the orange ones at our wedding and we both enjoy gummy candy, so they seemed appropriate … and if time allows, i just may use some skewers to form some flowers with them – hehehe!  now for the tricky parts … i don’t want him to have to make or go out to get food that night … so i’m hoping to find a few friends in town that can stop by a bakery for dessert and the sushi place down the street for dinner … i think that would make his night!  {oh, and the only sushi i ever eat is with cooked shrimp and veggies since i’m a wimp ; ) … so it’s safe for me!}

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what else do i have to report?  well, i’m starting to get a bit nervous that i will have enough strength for labor … just the short amount of standing in the kitchen to quickly prep meals takes quite a bit of energy … one of the negatives of the bed rest is that my body hasn’t been as prepared along the way with my increase in size and weight … but, we’re going to give it our all!!  we did have our appointment on monday with the ob … things seemed to check out pretty well – so much so that my doctor decided she didn’t need to see me next week … mostly because the info she wants will already reach her after we have our growth scan ultrasound on monday … i guess it makes sense since i have very few abnormal things to report {assuming the aches and pains and lack of sleep/comfort are par for the pregnancy course!}  and so far, knock on wood, the pre-term labor symptoms are practically non-existent … obviously, if reason suggests, i won’t hesitate to get in touch with her or go in, but for now, i’m trying to have faith that the babies will let me know when something is wrong and until then, just going to keep on baking!  {when i think about this, i can’t help but remember dori from ‘finding nemo’ when she says ‘just keep swimming, just keep swimming!’  : ) }  we’ve made it quite a ways and i’m trying to trust the powers that be that have led me to this point …